# 025

today i feel sad. or maybe not sad. just down. the feeling where you just want to curl up in bed, not talk to anyone, do anything.. that's what i feel today. i want to wipe the slate clean. change everything. number, email, address, name.. just.. everything. i want to excist, and at the same time i want to dissapear. i think everyone can at some point in their life relate to that.

yesterday i felt excited and happy. until someone managed, with one sentence, bring up all my fears and insecurities. i went from the good feelings to low feelings in the blink of an eye. you can expect someone you don't get along with to do that to you.. but it's always so surprising, when it comes from someone you consider a friend. and that person, i consider a friend.

yesterday, going to the grocerystore, i managed to run into the ex that i've avoided like the plague for a long time. it was fine, we had the "how've you been?" small talk.. and then he mentioned maybe dropping by sometime. thankfully, i managed to hide my reaction of "what is happening, what does he want, why in the hell does he want to come over?!" and just said, "yeah, maybe". but boy was that a shock.

now off to cook something edible for myself and then i might just play more sims. or bingewatch a show. today i'm antisocial and down right lazy. but that's just normal. that's life. sometimes you just need a break. pause and reflect. or in my case, deflect.

i hope you are having a better friday than i am.

# 024

ohmygod, i have not written here for sooo long. i am so sorry! i didn't even realize it until i was sitting on my computer and just going "i wonder if i wrote about this, i wonder if i wrote about that" and came to check.. and realized that i have not written about ANYTHING.

you guys didn't even know i moved! and that happened before the last post of last year.. i'm a bad blogger, bad bad blogger. so yeah, i moved last year, so i've lived in my new apartment for.. a bit over 1,5 years now.. it's nice and big but my neighbors have slowly driven me insane since i am not one to enjoy listening to heavy bassed(?) music at 4 am.. or smelling weed all the time because it comes through the airvents.

what else.. oh, i started coloring my hair after the last post. first i went lighter but it was more yellow then blonde no matter what i did and my hair was in such a bad condition. soo then i went dark, almost black and kept that up for a few months. and then on march i thought "i cannot keep spending this much money on my hair every two months, it's insane!" so i bleached my hair to a lovely dark orange shade(it actually looked kinda nice in pictures that i took in the dark) and then put 5.0 on that and was at my natural color and started to grow it out. now i've got ends that are just a bit lighter than my roots but i don't even care 'cause it looks nice. i'm babbling, sorry.

i also got an expansion pack for sims, the get to work thing. it's a bit awesome, but also a bit annoying. like i can't own a store and make money on it without having to be there. but i really like the doctor-career. though everyone just keeps walking through walls and the only actual doctor in there keeps freaking out at eeverything, it's so funny.

also, an update to my phone situation.. i had galaxy note 2, it broke so on easter 2015 i went out and bought galaxy S3... and that broke spring of 2016.. bought myself another iphone 4s.. AND THAT BROKE LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO. so now i'm phoneless. which sucks a little, but with no social life on my phone it doesn't really affect me all that much but still a bit of a problem.

i'm going to stop writing now, even thought there is a lot more to say, because i feel like this is going to take an hour to read as it is.. thank you so much for reading, leave a comment and.. yeah. i hope you have a lovely rest of the year!

# 023

hi guys, i'm back! i am so incredibly sorry for not posting last month. there is really no excuse for it, i just had a terrible writer's block, could not think of anything to write about. that happens but for now, i sorta have something to talk about..

so, i've felt for a while now, that i've been in a some sort of a rut and have been feeling really cluttered, especially lately. right now, as i'm typing this, i can see in my peripheral vision two boxes of clothing... with atleast one box worth of clothing just piled on top of them.. which kindof inspired me a little.

this month, which will extend to may, i am going to, more or less, declutter my life. that will include my overly full closet(i'm sorry pants that once looked awesome but i am never going to wear you again!) and my computer, phone and tablet.. now, we ALL know how cluttered our computers and phones  and everything can become, we have millions of selfie's of ourselves, and we never take the time to delete photos we hate and will never publish, those pictures where you have no idea when, where or of what they were taken and it all just piles up and takes up room on our technology.

so, the first part is to try on .. pretty much everything i own and then compile it to the closet(what is not leaving my possession), into a box(things that go into storage[ie. winter clothing]) and the stuff i will get rid of. i am not sure what to do to the things yet. probably sell the ones that are in good condition.. maybe take some to UFF. to those of you who don't know, UFF is a thing where you can donate clothing that is clean, whole and in good shape and they make sure the clothing goes to people who need it. i don't know what is the US version if it, so i don't know what to compare it to.

the second part, which will be happening whenever i'm online, is to go trough every folder and every file on my computers, phone and tablet and get rid of anything that is junk, embarrasing or makes me say "wtf is happening here". and, even though that may seem easier, it really isn't. not when there is 15,2 Gt of pictures. and that is pictures alone. there are other files as well, but those will be a whole lot easier to clear when i'm done with the pictures.

i am also going to do something about.. well, to quote veronica mars, 'my stupid ass face.' except i mean my whole being. i really want to spice up my hair someway, i've been growing it out for about 8 months now(wow that's a while since my last haircut) and the color is my natural one, no coloring, nothing. just the same cut and color for 8 months.. the people who've known me for years can tell you, that is a long time for me to not do anything with my hair.

so, now that you know the game plan, let me know if you guys have any tips on what to do, how to do it or anything else. i would also love if you would link in the comment box some of your favourite hair/makeup pictures.

inspire me my lovelies.

# 022

i was originally supposed to write about something else but after some stuff went down, i kindof lost my inspiration..

so, as i have mentioned before (i think), i like playing the sims. i have since the very beginning, when the first came out. and then the second came out and i bought that and then the third. but i considered the fourth to be too expensive and was happy with the fourth.. but alas, someone who knows my love for the game went and bought it for me! and not just any sims 4, they bought me the collector's edition box that came with the usb-plumbot! it is awesome. it actually changes color based on how my sim-character is feeling at the time. i haven't stopped playing since last night. but i kindof have some issues with it, i don't know why but i can't make people move away from each other.. so now i have a couple of adults living together and it's so annoying... i'll figure it out.. someday.

yesterday i had a friend over and we wen't to the store and bought like a ton of movies, they were 5 movies for 10€ so it was cheap as hell. and there were a lot of my favourites and some that i collect and then just awesome movies that i wanted on dvd but hadn't found the energy to go buy them so that was great. i can get my nerd on with some avengers now too.

also, i don't know if you noticed but i made a twitter account for my blog where i try and tweet some small stuff when stuff's going on that may never come up in the blog. i was asked to make and instagram account but i don't think i'll be doing that one since i have an instagram and i barely use it as it is because my phone is a crappy one and so ready to die on me already. i'll upgrade to a better one when i find one that fits my needs. pretty sure i'm going to stay in the android -family though, i kinda love it now. for those of you who don't know, i used to have an iPhone 4S and now i carry around Samsung Galaxy Note 2.

well, that's about it for now.. 2 questions though... first, what kindof movies do you like? and second... what phone would you recommend for me?

# 021

january. 2015. last here has finally passed.

i just finished reviewing my blogposts from the first one to up until now. and i realized, to my horror, that i left some preetty important stuff out. so, let's see what i've got for you.

first of all... the bangs i talked about like.. a year ago.. a bit over a year ago. yeah.. bangs no more. i grew them out. i also cut my hair short last july. like bob lenght. not pixie. oh and i also got a new piercing. i was going to write about my experience here but the pain of healing was kindof distracting and i may have forgotten to actually write stuff down about it. but, then again.. you can read about that stuff from anywhere, why read about it in here?

my year was interesting. there was a lot of drama and stuff in the beginning of the year.. and then i just cut myself off from it. i think it was like.. june-july, when i had just had it. but the really big difference was after i graduated. i quit smoking, yay me, and then.. i just stopped running around. i haven't been spending all my hours at a coffee shop or a bar or a club. i've just been home. i've gone out like once a month and that has felt like a bit too much at times.

i used to hate staying at home.. now i kinda hate going out. getting all dressed up and everything.. maybe i'm growing up. changing. which according to some people, is not possible. they say people can't change.. but if that's true.. why aren't i the same? there's no drama, no messes, no partying. i'm home, i clean, i read, i cook.. i work out.. those are changes in my life. in me. in the way i think. strange, isn't it.

before, i didn't have that much to say. not to this blog anyway, not to anyone who reads this. but then, i got a comment from a reader. my first comment. and suddenly, i have a lot to say. it's weird how motivating an actual reader can be. but it leaves me with questions too. what should i write about? what do you want to read about? at some point, it would be interesting to make a questions blog, but so far, i don't see that as a possibility. maybe at a point where it's more... public in a way.

i'm going to finish now, and hope that i hear from you. leave a comment, what would you like me to write about?

# 020

i've struggled a lot with this blog. so many people know about it without me saying anything, it's apparently spread like wildfire around .. well.. the world since half of you guys are from the one and only US. i'm shocked really. i mean.. i haven't written in months and yet, i get hits daily. a lot of them.

what draws you to read my ramblings? leave a comment. i beg you!

now.. i'm still not sure what to do with this. i considered leaving it, just forgetting about it. i considered making it password protected.. i considered hiding it. continuing hasn't really been on the table since before the last post i wrote, i got a lot of shit about this blog from people, quite certain some of them are reading this now.

as for my life? it's good. better than good. i'm happy. and i know that there are some people who do not like that at all. but i don't care. i don't live my life for them. i live it for me. i have my friends, i have my family. roof above my head, food in the fridge... i have everything i want. oh and i did finally quit my habit and stopped smoking.

and then, let's adress some rumours. (this could be like a weekly series, it happens so much)

1. no, i am not pregnant.
2. i am not dying.
3. i do not have a sugar daddy. or a sugar mama. i do have sugar, i use it in coffee and baking.
4. i did not join a cult. (seriously people?!)
5. umm... no, i think that's it. unless you know more?

i hope everyone had a good christmas/hanukkah and enjoyed it. i know mine was very enjoyable. have a fun and safe new year's and be happy!

leave a comment telling why you read this and if i should quit or if my writing and life is so interesting that you'll want to keep reading! looking forward to reading and replying to all of them!

# 019

since i am for whatever reason, the topic of your gossip and i know you read this i want to set a couple of things straight...

i am not moving to chase a guy. i'm moving on my own, without anybody else being involved. why? well, probably because i am sick and tired of this town and the people in it. i am so tired of faking a smile and pretending like we're friends because hey, guess what, we're not.

and on that note, no i did not quit school, i'm still very much in school.

anything else you want to gossip about or can you just mind your own damn business already and keep your noses out of mine?

good, thanks. bye.

# 018

i've started to think about where my life is right now. where i live, where i want to live, and what i want from life.. and that's good. planning the future. except..

whenever i think about where i am now, i run.i put on my runningshoes, grab my keys and go. and i run until it hurts and i can't breath. and then i run some more. when i return, my legs wont carry me anymore. my lungs wont take in air. my heart feels like it will go boom at any moment.

i wish that if i run long enough, hard enough, fast enough, i'll get away from this town and it's drama. the people. everything. the rumors. the gossip, the backstabbing. the negativity of it all.

so far, i haven't. it keeps following me even when i put it behind me. someone always brings it to my attention. it's always right there, on the peripheral. you can't put it behind you here. it's always there. always looming, ready to suck you in.

so i run. to escape, to forget.

# 017

i apologize for the lack of the second blogpost if some of you were expecting it. i just really didn't have anything to write about, i've been just spending time at home after school, watching netflix and doing schoolstuff and light cleaning. tiredsome stuff really.

so, yesterday was friday and oh boy did it suck. it was supposed to be all awesome and shit and it was until clock struck 22. then the shitstorm just hit. so naturally, i got so drunk i don't have that many memories of yesterday evening. i do remember a certain ex spitting on my face(yes, really) and calling me a whore. as if i've had sex for money, goods, services. that ain't me, no sir.

so i tweaked the blog a bit, still some kinks to sort out but i'll get there. also, you can now ask me questions trough spring.me which is on the sidebar. i'll answer when i can, i don't promise to answer to inappropiate questions or things i want to keep private but i'll do my best to answer every question!

so, that's it for today, i hope to get a lot of questions from you. save my sunday!

# 016

as i woke up today, without an alarm (i was so tired i forgot to put it on) waking me, i thought about what today would bring. and what it wouldn't bring.

it brought...
- slackery. i didn't have the time to eat anything because i woke up late.
- fresh pot of coffee. that i had time to drink a whole two cups worth.
- coldness. sleeping with the windows fully open was not a good plan.
- public transportation. almost missed my bus that was way too full.
- school. time to learn how to start a business.

it didn't bring...
- waking up on time. like i said, alarm.
- breakfast. maybe tomorrow?
- no rushing. i had to run around.. a lot.
- tanning. sitting in a school in the computerlab doesn't really help with this.
- nice people. this town really doesn't have a lot of those..
- tattoo fever. even seeing my classmates tattoo's, this is not a problem. maybe because their tattoo's aren't exactly what i want for myself.

i don't really enjoy being at the school because i feel like i'm not learning anything actually useful there. i've been doing the same powerpoint stuff for over a year, i know how to do it, so quit making me do the same stuff over and over again and actually teach me something for goodness sake.

so... i don't know really what else to write about since not a lot has happened today. it is only 8.30 AM after all. maybe i'll write more later today, but for now, ciao!

# 015

everyone knows that it takes a lot to be able to give up our old habits and try something new. i'm battling this right now along thousands of others.

i've never really felt comfortable in my skin. but then again, i never really took care of it either. a couple of weeks ago, i decided to stop drinking soda's. sure, they're easy and available pretty much everywhere, but they aren't exactly good for my health. candy has been gone for a while(besides the occasional enjoyment), and now, lastly, i've been inching towards healthier snacks and foods. i refuse to eat foods that are just complete junk or unhealthy to me. chocolate bars switch to breads and jogurt. and to make sure i don't slip to eating a chocolate bar instead of making myself a sandwich, i don't buy candy. at all.

i've started to drink more water, even if i get horrible headache's from it, and switched the aforementioned soda's to juices. if i go to a coffee shop, i'll rather take a smoothie or a water than some horrendously expensive coffee which actually has the coffee amount of 2 drops, maybe 3 if you're lucky. *

exercising, now that's a tough one since i don't own any sporting equipment/clothing. but i've started to go for 2-5 walks with or without my dog on a daily basis. sometime's of course, i'm too tired, but on a day like this(sunny, hardly any clouds) you can see me walk among the best of them. on rainy day's, i don't want to drag my dog with me since she get's cold easy and they really don't make dog's clothing in her teeny tiny size, so i go by myself. and when i go out at night, i choose to simply dance the night(and my worries) away.

i had a month without alcohol and it felt great, my sleeprythm went back to a normal one (going to bed around 22 to midnight and waking up no later than 9) and i tend to keep that. except going to bed earlier and waking up around 5 for school. yes, i study during the summer too.

i'm also hoping to quit smoking, but that is a harder feat than the rest. i'm more of a bored/social/pissed/etc. smoker than actually addicted to it. maybe it'll just come(or go to be exact) once my healthier choices of life have come a daily habit.

as i'm writing this, i'm actually sitting on my bed drinking coffee before going to the grocerystore. there is a desperate need for bread and other things in this house, and i am not going to starve myself. that i learned the hardway. considering actually planning my day from morning to bedtime so i have a strict schedule that i wont slip from. hopefully anyway. maybe there's some sort of punishment i could do if i slip... like... 50 sit-ups? the horror of that alone might be enough to keep me on the path(my abs are like boiled noodle so..)!

well, i wont bore you with this anymore. if my road to healthier living is something people would like to hear more about, let me know in the comment -section below and i'll keep writing.

# 014

this really deserves it's own  post. so, as some of you know, it was my birthday last month and today i FINALLY got my birthday present from my awesome brother. you want to know  what i got? of course you do my little sweeties. well, i'll tell you! he bought me Lea Michele's Brunette Ambition! AND I LOVE IT! so thanks bro<3

it really makes me want to take charge in my life even more. like why do i eat crappy unhealthy food that's bad for me when i can eat good foods and feel good about myself. and my clothing. i buy more but i toss nothing out. i have clothing for elementary school... i have clothing that hasn't fit me in like almost 20 years! nope, no way. time to toss that shit out. if it doesn't fit, if it's broken and not easily fixable, not worn in a year(winter clothing does NOT count, it was a warm winter), it's out. and if i haven't fixed broken clothing in 6 months, they're gone too. and shoes, if i never wear them, bye bye. clothing i don't wear anymore deserves a better owner than me.

so thank you again brother, i love you.<3

# 013

wednesday, the most wonderful day of the week. or second wonderful. still, half-way to the weekend!

so, i'm going to tell you a story now. and i'd be intrigued to hear your thoughts on the matter.

once upon a time in a land far far away, there was a girl. this girl was tall and pretty and had a long brown hair that shone in the light like no other. the girl, let's call her emilia. emilia loved to go out at night, enjoy a few drinks, dance, meet with her friends. and then one time, a boy, let's call him mikael, bought her a drink. now, this was a little unconvential, since mikael works at the place where emilia liked to go.
from then on, mikael would buy her drinks every once in a while and make her some new kinds of drinks too, to test them, to see if they were any good. oh and they would talk a little, smile, make funny faces... but nothing more. but emilia was falling for him. and she felt as if he was falling for her too. but nothing happened, no one made a move. emilia was afraid of getting hurt so she did nothing. other boys talked to her and he always seemed a bit mad when they did.. but when mikael did nothing, emilia filed it away to be from her imagination.
then, one time, emilia was feeling frustrated. she felt lonely. she was on so many different dating sites, and nothing was coming out of those. and she told mikael. they had a brief conversation about it, and he said that he'd put her a heart on one of the dating sites.. she got her hopes up again... but nothing happened, again. she didn't understand why he didn't do anything if he had feelings for her. so again she decided to give up hoping.
one beautiful friday, she was out again with her friends, nothing really special about that.. but at the end of the night.. they had a witty banter back and forth and when they left, he winked at her.. she didn't know what to do about it, so she just smiled and filed it away.
emilia doesn't want to hang on to false hope, but she doesn't know what to do... does it seem like there is something? is it in her head?

help her out if you can. shed some light on it. emilia would really appreciate it. random compliments here and there have also apparently taken place.

# 012

well, it's official. i win the award for the worst writer in the world. updated last in january? really? i suck. but hey, new wnb-sleek and cool look (please don't hate me i'll make you cookies! or something...)

so, what's new with me... well. there is a suuupercute bartender where i like to go dancing who's paid for a few of my drinks... i don't know what it means though.. care to share you smart people? i don't know, couple of people have said he's into me, but i doubt it. i don't think he's ever smiled at me. except once when i made a crappy joke about something without meaning to..

anyway.. school starts back up in a week and then a week later, i go older again, 23, yaaay(note the sarcasm). don't know what i'm gonna do yet. sleep probably. or something of the sort. i should be asleep now but who can sleep with all of this so awesome quiet when everyone else is sleeping and i'm so bored.

i have no idea what to write about. i'm just gonna watch some crappy movie... make the time go faster and the sleep come quicker. or something.


hey all you fine android users, can you recommend good apps for me? and nothing that requires money or facebook!

# 010

sorry for the looong delay in writing, life has been totally crazy. i got sick a couple of weeks after i started an internship and i was sick for a few weeks and then i moved to a bigger place and then school started and i didn't have any time to write. all my free time went to me trying to have a social life. but, i am now, back and ready to.. whatever.

so, i'm trying to remember what all has happened. i cut my hair. bangs.. and i love them. i was terrified to go to the salon because usually my hair gets ruined and i end up hating it and growing it out but now, by some miracle, my hairdresser really listened and asked questions and understood and i came out with perfect bangs. then they overgrew and i cut them again, this time a bit shorter and now, they have, again, overgrown. i'm just trying to figure out a good time to visit the salon again.

i was in a relationship. lasted for like two weeks. i am single again, happily so. i realized that people who i thought were my friends actually aren't and i surprisingly feel fine with it. i've been home a lot lately, but i don't mind, i feel like i'm finding myself again. i do still go out on the weekends but life has calmed down a lot. i'm more focused at school too.

to be honest, i kinda went in to shock finding out that someone special to me died this summer.. i'm still not completely over it, and never will be, but life goes on and i will cherish everything about them forever, they will always be in my heart.

oh, and i've started to wear more skirts and dresses. i know, shocking. i used to hate them with a fiery passion, now i strongly dislike wearing anything that can cut off my bloodflow. thought since this is finland, i do still wear jeans and stuff, but i avoid it if possible. also, after i trampled my leg, i've worn heels a lot more and my feet can actually take it now, really couldn't before. they started to hurt like 5 minutes after putting heels on. i can't wear heels at school and it is kindof fround upon there, but on my freetime, going out and stuff, i opt for heels. not always but sometimes.

well, i still have a LOT more to say but i feel like this is getting to be too long as it is so stay tuned...

# 006

it's weird how even the smallest change in something can make you feel so much better or so much worse. i changed the order of my apartment a bit yesterday(sorry to all my neighbours) and it made me feel instantly better. i slept better and woke up early today, without even an alarm. which is good because my sickleave ends on sunday(finally!). i also figured out how to get this apartment to look like something other than a place full of cardboard boxes(i have wayy too much stuff). don't really know yet what i'm going to do with a couple of things in here but i'll figure it out at some point.

my mom wants me to give her my stand-mirror and my atm-bookcase but she really didn't get that if i give her those, i have nowhere to but all the stuff in it to. i wouldn't mind switching, i'd have more room then to keep things in, but i doubt she'd go for that.

i miss my friend. i don't know what happened with us but i know that something did and we haven't talked in a while. over two weeks actually. i think she wrote about me in her blog. or maybe i'm just wishing so. i don't know. i wish i could get friend back. she was one of the people in this town that actually could be trusted, she didn't stab me in the back, to my knowledge anyway. but we just stopped talking. or she did. i don't even know. we didn't talk. i don't think she even knows how crappy i feel about it. have been feeling about it. it's strange.

also, i found out a week ago that the father of one of my long time friends died this summer. i feel really sad about it. they were close and she kinda shut off from the world. wish i could've been there for her. and i feel bad that i was mad at her about something insignificant when she was dealing with the grief. but then again, i didn't know. so maybe it's okay. because i'm not mad about it, now. i understand.

my leg is still kinda hurting from the fall, as is my hand with the cut. haven't been able to use my crutches for like a week because of the handpain, but i'm getting towards better. and my neck is kinda stiff from sleeping in the same position all night. also my left pointer hurts for some reason, must've slept weirdly on it at some point. who the hell sleeps on their finger thought? oh wait, that's me, the same girl who also has ninjadreams and punches walls.

well, that's about it folks! please join in next time as i talk about... well since these are really stuff that come to my mind when i write, i have no clue as to what is on next time.

to be continued...

# 005

it's funny how crushes work. one second you like the tall blonde and the next you like the rockerboy. or something like that. they work fast. the crush can wither away on a simple realization.

before, i mentioned having a crush on my friend. or atleast it was implied. that's over now, it was one of those things when your mind creates feelings for someone who was overly nice to you. and now i don't have a crush on anyone, but i realize the possibility for love now. i recognize that my heart is open.

i feel blessed in after all this heartbreak, being able to believe in love. the conception of it.

but then again.. i love my little dog more than anything in this world and if i got involved with someone, they would have to love her just as much as i do. because if they asked me to get rid of her for them, they would be kicked to the curb.

that's all for tonight, my dog is seriously barking at me right now for messing up her sleep so...

ps. when do they invent that space shuddle for all the stupid idiotic moron ex-boyfriends? i have a special delivery for the freaking non planet millions and millions of years away.

# 003

you know how after breakup you return each others things? like a sort of moving on -ritual. yeah, thought so. so, what should i think when my ex still hasn't returned half of my things? is he just an idiot or is there something else going on? i returned his things quite quickly, and there was a lot of his stuff here. like 3 bags worth. he has ever had less than 1 bag of my things, 4 items to be exact and he hasn't returned them.

and the thing is, i want to be rid of him. because that relationship never worked, and it took me a while to realize that. and i want him out of my life, i don't want to be asking for my stuff back all the fucking time. but i am, because he just wont return them. help me out here people, what should i do?

# 002

someday, when i have kids, i will read them all the night-time stories i loved. i will read them disney. because even thought, it gives a child a warped image of love.. it's still a great part of childhood. to hear those stories. to dream of that. but i will also teach my children independence. and that sometimes the world and the people in it dissapoint you. i will teach them to be nice, and friendly but also tough. they'll have courage that i never did. or do. and i will teach them, that if they need me, even for the smallest thing, i will be there for them.

today sucked. like astronomically. i slipped last wednesday and my foot hurts still. my face hurts a lot from when i hit it on the floor. my hand still has a cut and my thigh still hurts so badly that i can't sleep on that side. and i have a headache and feel like crying a lot and i bought my favourite food and don't even want to cook it. and that sucks. because i need to eat so i can take my painmeds, but i can't really take all of my meds because one puts me to sleep for hours on end and that is something i can't have tomorrow.

so i'll sleep in pain.

i want to write about a thing but i can't because i don't know what's going on.

# 001

there was a post here. about tarot-readings. but i deleted it. actually i replaced it. because i decided i don't want to be that girl. it wasn't a blog i wanted to write. so..

i am a woman. from finland. i'm 22, i have a chihuahua. i live alone. i have a step-sister with whom i share a mom. and i have a dad. i have long brown hair and green-brown eyes. i have a horrible laugh and i'm a nerd. i'm a romantic and cynical. i want to believe that i can find someone to love who loves me but at the same time, i don't believe that happening. not for me.

i have friends but not that many, mostly guys. i've lived in this city for 17 years i think and the whole time i've hated it. i'm scared of thunder. and bugs. ants especially.

i hate compliments laced with sexual innuendo. but that's pretty much all i get. because apparently, i'm beautiful. i attract idiots and players and jerks. even thought i really want to find that cute, sweet, nice shy guy who may think they don't have a shot with me. who sees the way i look but sees more than that.

i love dancing. i've danced my whole life. i smoke too. a bad habit, no lectures needed. i'm also a student. i read. i prefer tv shows over movies. i prefer marvel over dc comics. superman is awesome and all, but tony stark is just more me. i've seen all three iron man movies and the avengers movie and can't wait to see the second. i like the big bang theory. so basically i'm really nerdy.

i don't have a car. or a drivers license. i have a bicycle older than me that i got 10 years ago as a heritage when my grandmother died. someone vandalized it and it is currently unbikeable.

i hate people who only talk to me because of my looks.

i love ray william johnson and jenna marbles. sometimes i call my dog mrs. marbles. even thought my dog is so gay it's not even funny. i drink a lot of coffee. i wear a lot of black. like a lot. i want to change a lot of things about myself but can't.

and, as the last thing i write on this.. i have a medium-size stuffed hello kitty that i got from my friend. and i love it.