# 006

it's weird how even the smallest change in something can make you feel so much better or so much worse. i changed the order of my apartment a bit yesterday(sorry to all my neighbours) and it made me feel instantly better. i slept better and woke up early today, without even an alarm. which is good because my sickleave ends on sunday(finally!). i also figured out how to get this apartment to look like something other than a place full of cardboard boxes(i have wayy too much stuff). don't really know yet what i'm going to do with a couple of things in here but i'll figure it out at some point.

my mom wants me to give her my stand-mirror and my atm-bookcase but she really didn't get that if i give her those, i have nowhere to but all the stuff in it to. i wouldn't mind switching, i'd have more room then to keep things in, but i doubt she'd go for that.

i miss my friend. i don't know what happened with us but i know that something did and we haven't talked in a while. over two weeks actually. i think she wrote about me in her blog. or maybe i'm just wishing so. i don't know. i wish i could get friend back. she was one of the people in this town that actually could be trusted, she didn't stab me in the back, to my knowledge anyway. but we just stopped talking. or she did. i don't even know. we didn't talk. i don't think she even knows how crappy i feel about it. have been feeling about it. it's strange.

also, i found out a week ago that the father of one of my long time friends died this summer. i feel really sad about it. they were close and she kinda shut off from the world. wish i could've been there for her. and i feel bad that i was mad at her about something insignificant when she was dealing with the grief. but then again, i didn't know. so maybe it's okay. because i'm not mad about it, now. i understand.

my leg is still kinda hurting from the fall, as is my hand with the cut. haven't been able to use my crutches for like a week because of the handpain, but i'm getting towards better. and my neck is kinda stiff from sleeping in the same position all night. also my left pointer hurts for some reason, must've slept weirdly on it at some point. who the hell sleeps on their finger thought? oh wait, that's me, the same girl who also has ninjadreams and punches walls.

well, that's about it folks! please join in next time as i talk about... well since these are really stuff that come to my mind when i write, i have no clue as to what is on next time.

to be continued...

# 004

i did a test yesterday. or maybe the day before that. and the test said i am a pessimist and an optimist. i suddenly got reminded of the Paramore song, so not the point. anyway.. i kinda gave up. i didn't think that i'd find love.. that the only people who talked to me were jerks or something. and then yesterday, my friend came over and we talked. he wanted to cheer me up, because i cheered him up before. and he said something else that kinda hurt but i got it. and then we saw each other later. he had to go pretty soon, he studies in another town and he had school today and he you know, said the usual goodbyes and all.

then he said that he'd be back on friday.. and then i didn't think anything of it, but today i realized that he looked at me while saying it. and it, for some weird reason, gave me hope. hope that someday, i will find someone. someone nice and tall and handsome and amazing. and who thinks that i am the most wonderful and beautiful person in the whole wide world. and it feels amazing to have that hope. with everything bringing me down lately, i need to hold on to that hope, that one look and those words. i know he didn't mean them as anything special, the words or the look, but they gave me hope. someday, someone will look at me, and say, i'm coming back and mean them for me, mean that they are coming back to me. not just the city.

all of that.. gives me hope. and i want you to know, that if ever you feel like there is no one. like you want to say to me, reading this, that this is all bullshit... i want you to know that there is hope. for you. because for someone, you are the most beautiful and amazing person, even with every little flaw. because if that person does not love you for you are, all your flaws and imperfections, they are not that person. until that person comes along.. you've got me. you can write me a comment, telling me everything you want. if you don't want it published, mention it. if you do, you don't have to tell me to publish it.

i appreciate every single one of you, because you took the time to listen to me. so i will listen to you.

have hope.