today i feel sad. or maybe not sad. just down. the feeling where you just want to curl up in bed, not talk to anyone, do anything.. that's what i feel today. i want to wipe the slate clean. change everything. number, email, address, name.. just.. everything. i want to excist, and at the same time i want to dissapear. i think everyone can at some point in their life relate to that.
yesterday i felt excited and happy. until someone managed, with one sentence, bring up all my fears and insecurities. i went from the good feelings to low feelings in the blink of an eye. you can expect someone you don't get along with to do that to you.. but it's always so surprising, when it comes from someone you consider a friend. and that person, i consider a friend.
yesterday, going to the grocerystore, i managed to run into the ex that i've avoided like the plague for a long time. it was fine, we had the "how've you been?" small talk.. and then he mentioned maybe dropping by sometime. thankfully, i managed to hide my reaction of "what is happening, what does he want, why in the hell does he want to come over?!" and just said, "yeah, maybe". but boy was that a shock.
now off to cook something edible for myself and then i might just play more sims. or bingewatch a show. today i'm antisocial and down right lazy. but that's just normal. that's life. sometimes you just need a break. pause and reflect. or in my case, deflect.
i hope you are having a better friday than i am.
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9.12.2016
3.4.2015
# 023
hi guys, i'm back! i am so incredibly sorry for not posting last month. there is really no excuse for it, i just had a terrible writer's block, could not think of anything to write about. that happens but for now, i sorta have something to talk about..
so, i've felt for a while now, that i've been in a some sort of a rut and have been feeling really cluttered, especially lately. right now, as i'm typing this, i can see in my peripheral vision two boxes of clothing... with atleast one box worth of clothing just piled on top of them.. which kindof inspired me a little.
this month, which will extend to may, i am going to, more or less, declutter my life. that will include my overly full closet(i'm sorry pants that once looked awesome but i am never going to wear you again!) and my computer, phone and tablet.. now, we ALL know how cluttered our computers and phones and everything can become, we have millions of selfie's of ourselves, and we never take the time to delete photos we hate and will never publish, those pictures where you have no idea when, where or of what they were taken and it all just piles up and takes up room on our technology.
so, the first part is to try on .. pretty much everything i own and then compile it to the closet(what is not leaving my possession), into a box(things that go into storage[ie. winter clothing]) and the stuff i will get rid of. i am not sure what to do to the things yet. probably sell the ones that are in good condition.. maybe take some to UFF. to those of you who don't know, UFF is a thing where you can donate clothing that is clean, whole and in good shape and they make sure the clothing goes to people who need it. i don't know what is the US version if it, so i don't know what to compare it to.
the second part, which will be happening whenever i'm online, is to go trough every folder and every file on my computers, phone and tablet and get rid of anything that is junk, embarrasing or makes me say "wtf is happening here". and, even though that may seem easier, it really isn't. not when there is 15,2 Gt of pictures. and that is pictures alone. there are other files as well, but those will be a whole lot easier to clear when i'm done with the pictures.
i am also going to do something about.. well, to quote veronica mars, 'my stupid ass face.' except i mean my whole being. i really want to spice up my hair someway, i've been growing it out for about 8 months now(wow that's a while since my last haircut) and the color is my natural one, no coloring, nothing. just the same cut and color for 8 months.. the people who've known me for years can tell you, that is a long time for me to not do anything with my hair.
so, now that you know the game plan, let me know if you guys have any tips on what to do, how to do it or anything else. i would also love if you would link in the comment box some of your favourite hair/makeup pictures.
inspire me my lovelies.
so, i've felt for a while now, that i've been in a some sort of a rut and have been feeling really cluttered, especially lately. right now, as i'm typing this, i can see in my peripheral vision two boxes of clothing... with atleast one box worth of clothing just piled on top of them.. which kindof inspired me a little.
this month, which will extend to may, i am going to, more or less, declutter my life. that will include my overly full closet(i'm sorry pants that once looked awesome but i am never going to wear you again!) and my computer, phone and tablet.. now, we ALL know how cluttered our computers and phones and everything can become, we have millions of selfie's of ourselves, and we never take the time to delete photos we hate and will never publish, those pictures where you have no idea when, where or of what they were taken and it all just piles up and takes up room on our technology.
so, the first part is to try on .. pretty much everything i own and then compile it to the closet(what is not leaving my possession), into a box(things that go into storage[ie. winter clothing]) and the stuff i will get rid of. i am not sure what to do to the things yet. probably sell the ones that are in good condition.. maybe take some to UFF. to those of you who don't know, UFF is a thing where you can donate clothing that is clean, whole and in good shape and they make sure the clothing goes to people who need it. i don't know what is the US version if it, so i don't know what to compare it to.
the second part, which will be happening whenever i'm online, is to go trough every folder and every file on my computers, phone and tablet and get rid of anything that is junk, embarrasing or makes me say "wtf is happening here". and, even though that may seem easier, it really isn't. not when there is 15,2 Gt of pictures. and that is pictures alone. there are other files as well, but those will be a whole lot easier to clear when i'm done with the pictures.
i am also going to do something about.. well, to quote veronica mars, 'my stupid ass face.' except i mean my whole being. i really want to spice up my hair someway, i've been growing it out for about 8 months now(wow that's a while since my last haircut) and the color is my natural one, no coloring, nothing. just the same cut and color for 8 months.. the people who've known me for years can tell you, that is a long time for me to not do anything with my hair.
so, now that you know the game plan, let me know if you guys have any tips on what to do, how to do it or anything else. i would also love if you would link in the comment box some of your favourite hair/makeup pictures.
inspire me my lovelies.
5.1.2015
# 021
january. 2015. last here has finally passed.
i just finished reviewing my blogposts from the first one to up until now. and i realized, to my horror, that i left some preetty important stuff out. so, let's see what i've got for you.
first of all... the bangs i talked about like.. a year ago.. a bit over a year ago. yeah.. bangs no more. i grew them out. i also cut my hair short last july. like bob lenght. not pixie. oh and i also got a new piercing. i was going to write about my experience here but the pain of healing was kindof distracting and i may have forgotten to actually write stuff down about it. but, then again.. you can read about that stuff from anywhere, why read about it in here?
my year was interesting. there was a lot of drama and stuff in the beginning of the year.. and then i just cut myself off from it. i think it was like.. june-july, when i had just had it. but the really big difference was after i graduated. i quit smoking, yay me, and then.. i just stopped running around. i haven't been spending all my hours at a coffee shop or a bar or a club. i've just been home. i've gone out like once a month and that has felt like a bit too much at times.
i used to hate staying at home.. now i kinda hate going out. getting all dressed up and everything.. maybe i'm growing up. changing. which according to some people, is not possible. they say people can't change.. but if that's true.. why aren't i the same? there's no drama, no messes, no partying. i'm home, i clean, i read, i cook.. i work out.. those are changes in my life. in me. in the way i think. strange, isn't it.
before, i didn't have that much to say. not to this blog anyway, not to anyone who reads this. but then, i got a comment from a reader. my first comment. and suddenly, i have a lot to say. it's weird how motivating an actual reader can be. but it leaves me with questions too. what should i write about? what do you want to read about? at some point, it would be interesting to make a questions blog, but so far, i don't see that as a possibility. maybe at a point where it's more... public in a way.
i'm going to finish now, and hope that i hear from you. leave a comment, what would you like me to write about?
i just finished reviewing my blogposts from the first one to up until now. and i realized, to my horror, that i left some preetty important stuff out. so, let's see what i've got for you.
first of all... the bangs i talked about like.. a year ago.. a bit over a year ago. yeah.. bangs no more. i grew them out. i also cut my hair short last july. like bob lenght. not pixie. oh and i also got a new piercing. i was going to write about my experience here but the pain of healing was kindof distracting and i may have forgotten to actually write stuff down about it. but, then again.. you can read about that stuff from anywhere, why read about it in here?
my year was interesting. there was a lot of drama and stuff in the beginning of the year.. and then i just cut myself off from it. i think it was like.. june-july, when i had just had it. but the really big difference was after i graduated. i quit smoking, yay me, and then.. i just stopped running around. i haven't been spending all my hours at a coffee shop or a bar or a club. i've just been home. i've gone out like once a month and that has felt like a bit too much at times.
i used to hate staying at home.. now i kinda hate going out. getting all dressed up and everything.. maybe i'm growing up. changing. which according to some people, is not possible. they say people can't change.. but if that's true.. why aren't i the same? there's no drama, no messes, no partying. i'm home, i clean, i read, i cook.. i work out.. those are changes in my life. in me. in the way i think. strange, isn't it.
before, i didn't have that much to say. not to this blog anyway, not to anyone who reads this. but then, i got a comment from a reader. my first comment. and suddenly, i have a lot to say. it's weird how motivating an actual reader can be. but it leaves me with questions too. what should i write about? what do you want to read about? at some point, it would be interesting to make a questions blog, but so far, i don't see that as a possibility. maybe at a point where it's more... public in a way.
i'm going to finish now, and hope that i hear from you. leave a comment, what would you like me to write about?
28.9.2014
# 019
since i am for whatever reason, the topic of your gossip and i know you read this i want to set a couple of things straight...
i am not moving to chase a guy. i'm moving on my own, without anybody else being involved. why? well, probably because i am sick and tired of this town and the people in it. i am so tired of faking a smile and pretending like we're friends because hey, guess what, we're not.
and on that note, no i did not quit school, i'm still very much in school.
anything else you want to gossip about or can you just mind your own damn business already and keep your noses out of mine?
good, thanks. bye.
i am not moving to chase a guy. i'm moving on my own, without anybody else being involved. why? well, probably because i am sick and tired of this town and the people in it. i am so tired of faking a smile and pretending like we're friends because hey, guess what, we're not.
and on that note, no i did not quit school, i'm still very much in school.
anything else you want to gossip about or can you just mind your own damn business already and keep your noses out of mine?
good, thanks. bye.
13.7.2014
# 018
i've started to think about where my life is right now. where i live, where i want to live, and what i want from life.. and that's good. planning the future. except..
whenever i think about where i am now, i run.i put on my runningshoes, grab my keys and go. and i run until it hurts and i can't breath. and then i run some more. when i return, my legs wont carry me anymore. my lungs wont take in air. my heart feels like it will go boom at any moment.
i wish that if i run long enough, hard enough, fast enough, i'll get away from this town and it's drama. the people. everything. the rumors. the gossip, the backstabbing. the negativity of it all.
so far, i haven't. it keeps following me even when i put it behind me. someone always brings it to my attention. it's always right there, on the peripheral. you can't put it behind you here. it's always there. always looming, ready to suck you in.
so i run. to escape, to forget.
whenever i think about where i am now, i run.i put on my runningshoes, grab my keys and go. and i run until it hurts and i can't breath. and then i run some more. when i return, my legs wont carry me anymore. my lungs wont take in air. my heart feels like it will go boom at any moment.
i wish that if i run long enough, hard enough, fast enough, i'll get away from this town and it's drama. the people. everything. the rumors. the gossip, the backstabbing. the negativity of it all.
so far, i haven't. it keeps following me even when i put it behind me. someone always brings it to my attention. it's always right there, on the peripheral. you can't put it behind you here. it's always there. always looming, ready to suck you in.
so i run. to escape, to forget.
4.6.2014
# 015
everyone knows that it takes a lot to be able to give up our old habits and try something new. i'm battling this right now along thousands of others.
i've never really felt comfortable in my skin. but then again, i never really took care of it either. a couple of weeks ago, i decided to stop drinking soda's. sure, they're easy and available pretty much everywhere, but they aren't exactly good for my health. candy has been gone for a while(besides the occasional enjoyment), and now, lastly, i've been inching towards healthier snacks and foods. i refuse to eat foods that are just complete junk or unhealthy to me. chocolate bars switch to breads and jogurt. and to make sure i don't slip to eating a chocolate bar instead of making myself a sandwich, i don't buy candy. at all.
i've started to drink more water, even if i get horrible headache's from it, and switched the aforementioned soda's to juices. if i go to a coffee shop, i'll rather take a smoothie or a water than some horrendously expensive coffee which actually has the coffee amount of 2 drops, maybe 3 if you're lucky. *
exercising, now that's a tough one since i don't own any sporting equipment/clothing. but i've started to go for 2-5 walks with or without my dog on a daily basis. sometime's of course, i'm too tired, but on a day like this(sunny, hardly any clouds) you can see me walk among the best of them. on rainy day's, i don't want to drag my dog with me since she get's cold easy and they really don't make dog's clothing in her teeny tiny size, so i go by myself. and when i go out at night, i choose to simply dance the night(and my worries) away.
i had a month without alcohol and it felt great, my sleeprythm went back to a normal one (going to bed around 22 to midnight and waking up no later than 9) and i tend to keep that. except going to bed earlier and waking up around 5 for school. yes, i study during the summer too.
i'm also hoping to quit smoking, but that is a harder feat than the rest. i'm more of a bored/social/pissed/etc. smoker than actually addicted to it. maybe it'll just come(or go to be exact) once my healthier choices of life have come a daily habit.
as i'm writing this, i'm actually sitting on my bed drinking coffee before going to the grocerystore. there is a desperate need for bread and other things in this house, and i am not going to starve myself. that i learned the hardway. considering actually planning my day from morning to bedtime so i have a strict schedule that i wont slip from. hopefully anyway. maybe there's some sort of punishment i could do if i slip... like... 50 sit-ups? the horror of that alone might be enough to keep me on the path(my abs are like boiled noodle so..)!
well, i wont bore you with this anymore. if my road to healthier living is something people would like to hear more about, let me know in the comment -section below and i'll keep writing.
i've never really felt comfortable in my skin. but then again, i never really took care of it either. a couple of weeks ago, i decided to stop drinking soda's. sure, they're easy and available pretty much everywhere, but they aren't exactly good for my health. candy has been gone for a while(besides the occasional enjoyment), and now, lastly, i've been inching towards healthier snacks and foods. i refuse to eat foods that are just complete junk or unhealthy to me. chocolate bars switch to breads and jogurt. and to make sure i don't slip to eating a chocolate bar instead of making myself a sandwich, i don't buy candy. at all.
i've started to drink more water, even if i get horrible headache's from it, and switched the aforementioned soda's to juices. if i go to a coffee shop, i'll rather take a smoothie or a water than some horrendously expensive coffee which actually has the coffee amount of 2 drops, maybe 3 if you're lucky. *
exercising, now that's a tough one since i don't own any sporting equipment/clothing. but i've started to go for 2-5 walks with or without my dog on a daily basis. sometime's of course, i'm too tired, but on a day like this(sunny, hardly any clouds) you can see me walk among the best of them. on rainy day's, i don't want to drag my dog with me since she get's cold easy and they really don't make dog's clothing in her teeny tiny size, so i go by myself. and when i go out at night, i choose to simply dance the night(and my worries) away.
i had a month without alcohol and it felt great, my sleeprythm went back to a normal one (going to bed around 22 to midnight and waking up no later than 9) and i tend to keep that. except going to bed earlier and waking up around 5 for school. yes, i study during the summer too.
i'm also hoping to quit smoking, but that is a harder feat than the rest. i'm more of a bored/social/pissed/etc. smoker than actually addicted to it. maybe it'll just come(or go to be exact) once my healthier choices of life have come a daily habit.
as i'm writing this, i'm actually sitting on my bed drinking coffee before going to the grocerystore. there is a desperate need for bread and other things in this house, and i am not going to starve myself. that i learned the hardway. considering actually planning my day from morning to bedtime so i have a strict schedule that i wont slip from. hopefully anyway. maybe there's some sort of punishment i could do if i slip... like... 50 sit-ups? the horror of that alone might be enough to keep me on the path(my abs are like boiled noodle so..)!
well, i wont bore you with this anymore. if my road to healthier living is something people would like to hear more about, let me know in the comment -section below and i'll keep writing.
1.6.2014
# 014
this really deserves it's own post. so, as some of you know, it was my birthday last month and today i FINALLY got my birthday present from my awesome brother. you want to know what i got? of course you do my little sweeties. well, i'll tell you! he bought me Lea Michele's Brunette Ambition! AND I LOVE IT! so thanks bro<3
it really makes me want to take charge in my life even more. like why do i eat crappy unhealthy food that's bad for me when i can eat good foods and feel good about myself. and my clothing. i buy more but i toss nothing out. i have clothing for elementary school... i have clothing that hasn't fit me in like almost 20 years! nope, no way. time to toss that shit out. if it doesn't fit, if it's broken and not easily fixable, not worn in a year(winter clothing does NOT count, it was a warm winter), it's out. and if i haven't fixed broken clothing in 6 months, they're gone too. and shoes, if i never wear them, bye bye. clothing i don't wear anymore deserves a better owner than me.
so thank you again brother, i love you.<3
it really makes me want to take charge in my life even more. like why do i eat crappy unhealthy food that's bad for me when i can eat good foods and feel good about myself. and my clothing. i buy more but i toss nothing out. i have clothing for elementary school... i have clothing that hasn't fit me in like almost 20 years! nope, no way. time to toss that shit out. if it doesn't fit, if it's broken and not easily fixable, not worn in a year(winter clothing does NOT count, it was a warm winter), it's out. and if i haven't fixed broken clothing in 6 months, they're gone too. and shoes, if i never wear them, bye bye. clothing i don't wear anymore deserves a better owner than me.
so thank you again brother, i love you.<3
24.11.2013
# 010
sorry for the looong delay in writing, life has been totally crazy. i got sick a couple of weeks after i started an internship and i was sick for a few weeks and then i moved to a bigger place and then school started and i didn't have any time to write. all my free time went to me trying to have a social life. but, i am now, back and ready to.. whatever.
so, i'm trying to remember what all has happened. i cut my hair. bangs.. and i love them. i was terrified to go to the salon because usually my hair gets ruined and i end up hating it and growing it out but now, by some miracle, my hairdresser really listened and asked questions and understood and i came out with perfect bangs. then they overgrew and i cut them again, this time a bit shorter and now, they have, again, overgrown. i'm just trying to figure out a good time to visit the salon again.
i was in a relationship. lasted for like two weeks. i am single again, happily so. i realized that people who i thought were my friends actually aren't and i surprisingly feel fine with it. i've been home a lot lately, but i don't mind, i feel like i'm finding myself again. i do still go out on the weekends but life has calmed down a lot. i'm more focused at school too.
to be honest, i kinda went in to shock finding out that someone special to me died this summer.. i'm still not completely over it, and never will be, but life goes on and i will cherish everything about them forever, they will always be in my heart.
oh, and i've started to wear more skirts and dresses. i know, shocking. i used to hate them with a fiery passion, now i strongly dislike wearing anything that can cut off my bloodflow. thought since this is finland, i do still wear jeans and stuff, but i avoid it if possible. also, after i trampled my leg, i've worn heels a lot more and my feet can actually take it now, really couldn't before. they started to hurt like 5 minutes after putting heels on. i can't wear heels at school and it is kindof fround upon there, but on my freetime, going out and stuff, i opt for heels. not always but sometimes.
well, i still have a LOT more to say but i feel like this is getting to be too long as it is so stay tuned...
so, i'm trying to remember what all has happened. i cut my hair. bangs.. and i love them. i was terrified to go to the salon because usually my hair gets ruined and i end up hating it and growing it out but now, by some miracle, my hairdresser really listened and asked questions and understood and i came out with perfect bangs. then they overgrew and i cut them again, this time a bit shorter and now, they have, again, overgrown. i'm just trying to figure out a good time to visit the salon again.
i was in a relationship. lasted for like two weeks. i am single again, happily so. i realized that people who i thought were my friends actually aren't and i surprisingly feel fine with it. i've been home a lot lately, but i don't mind, i feel like i'm finding myself again. i do still go out on the weekends but life has calmed down a lot. i'm more focused at school too.
to be honest, i kinda went in to shock finding out that someone special to me died this summer.. i'm still not completely over it, and never will be, but life goes on and i will cherish everything about them forever, they will always be in my heart.
oh, and i've started to wear more skirts and dresses. i know, shocking. i used to hate them with a fiery passion, now i strongly dislike wearing anything that can cut off my bloodflow. thought since this is finland, i do still wear jeans and stuff, but i avoid it if possible. also, after i trampled my leg, i've worn heels a lot more and my feet can actually take it now, really couldn't before. they started to hurt like 5 minutes after putting heels on. i can't wear heels at school and it is kindof fround upon there, but on my freetime, going out and stuff, i opt for heels. not always but sometimes.
well, i still have a LOT more to say but i feel like this is getting to be too long as it is so stay tuned...
4.9.2013
# 009
for you my beautiful angels. <3 let's just remember that we are at our best when we're ourselves an if someone can't appreciate us that way, they don't deserve us. we deserve someone who loves us the way we are, with all of our flaws. on the good days and especially the bad ones.
and i love you just the way you are.
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